When I was a kid I used to buy the stupidest crap with my allowance. Annoying, cheap, shiny, plastic, pointless things. At some point around the age of maybe fourteen, I stopped, or tapered off at least, saying I didn’t know what the point was anymore because it didn’t fill up the hole inside.
Over the years that feeling has sort of been pushed to the back some and I don’t really think about it, but it’s still there. I just try and fill it with other things now, I guess. Anything really, art, music, video games, tv, books. I’ll distract myself with something for days at a time, like spending two weeks on a video game, and before that a little over a week and a half on the second of the new Tomb Raider trilogy, and prior to that KH3. (Not even talking about that disappointment.)
I was reading a Good Omens fanfiction last night (holy hell good show, never read the book) and there was a line about humans and relationships and them constantly trying to fill that great gaping hole inside themselves and it got me thinking on it again. This comes up over and over, across literature and so on, and. Yeah. I still haven’t found what helps.
(I just got utterly distracted while going looking for a song on itunes, because the store was open and showed me the new Jonas Brother’s album. My 17 year old self wanted to know and all ages of me across time agree. It sucks. Anyway, moving on.)
These guys (not the singer, he’s just a temp because they’re a mostly instrumental band) are involved in a lot of things. I’ve known a couple of them several times over the centuries, and I’ve actually known them since I was about sixteen I think, they generally recognise me at gigs, once we dealt with ‘yes I will turn up in random places from Denver to Helsinki because that’s just how I am, I travel and move weird places’, so yeah. There’s been some recognition even if I’ve never had the chance to ask about views on past lives. I’m still hoping I’ll get the chance someday.
The point is though, this album. Which, I think…is their most recent, they have a new one recorded and will be out sometime this year? Anyway, it set off a lot of things. Music usually does, interestingly, it probably has the biggest capacity to set off memories if the people who I knew before are musicians now.
For example a song on their album from ’08 or ’09 set off a whole load of memories that led to all the memories that allowed me to write my short story Immortal Bird. (Yes that is an amazon link, shameless plug, hush.)
As a note I have trouble talking about these things because I feel weird naming people who I have soul associations with, especially if it’s someone with any modicum of ‘fame’ but. Well. It’s going to come up eventually because I’m one of the few from a soul group of 6-8 who is on their own and all these other people are somewhat famous. Just how it worked out this time, but sometimes is sucks, because I miss being able to just sit down with my friends and have a conversation. Probably the biggest issue to knowing you’ve had past lives with a celebrity type person. They’re now utterly unapproachable and you miss your best friend like hell.
At least I have the music though. I can feel at least a little connected to people. And I do have a lot of important people in my life. Well. Three of them. I’ve had other people from my past lives in and out but a lot of them have been brief and drifted and I rarely talk to most of them now. I know very few people as it turns out, but hey. I’m so jaded and disappointed in humanity I really don’t care all that much.
*sigh* I suppose that’s part of what this is about, trying to get past that because I just. Hate everything. These last few days I’ve just been sitting staring at the wall going ‘I want to go home.’ Now, generally throughout my life this has meant a few things, but most consistently this has meant ‘I want to go back to the desert’. Think Evey from The Mummy, she looks and behaves utterly English, but Egypt is so heavily ingrained in her from her mother that she’s spent most of her life there. That’s generally how I feel about Egypt, mostly because of my past lives, but it just breaks my heart that I’ll probably never go.
I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most about history. Knowing I can never go back, can never live in a simpler time, when there were less people and arguably people were more genuine. I know the argument is ‘you’ll miss this, you’ll miss that’ like plumbing (Which hey, the Romans had working just fine) or modern medicine (I’m this rare person who hasn’t had much need for modern medicine, only a few times in my life) or technology. Well. Technology…I actually. Hate. Loath. Absolutely. Fine, it’s convenient and it lets you know everything faster, and I love that I can learn so easily, but also. It’s a soul sucking black hole and I hate it.
Now I’m trying to stay upbeat here, that’s the whole point of going through all this, clearing out energy, finding peace with my life, etc, etc. Yeah, not happening so much. Mostly it’s just making me feel worse and worse because I can see, with better eyes than most, just how far humanity as a whole has fallen into this pit of disgusting bullshit that most days it’s hard to get out of bed, let alone leave the house. I don’t leave the house particularly, I hate leaving the house. Partially it’s because the walk to town is lined with garbage bins and it smells the whole way, but also just. No.
I would love to find some group or activity that let me meet people that didn’t seem to be stuck in their own head and just plain stupid, but when I do manage it they never seem interested in being friends with me anyway, so honestly what’s the point? I’ve never had a friend that keeps in communication, I’ve always had to be the one to keep it up. I can across a journal about someone I met in high school and at one point I’m griping because we’d set times for phone calls over the summer while we were both at various activity camps, and I never got a call and there was no answer to my texts for like a week. And this was my best friend. (Not being mean, since you might actually read this, but hey, you were always bad at phones 😉 )
So yes, me and the general state of humanity and my hatred thereof… When I was living in Arizona with my uncle one day he turns around and says ‘Man you need to find a boyfriend and chill.’ At my unimpressed expression he amends to ‘Or you know, a girlfriend’ (This is a non issue, his son is gay and in a happy relationship) to which my response was ‘And how many times have you been divorced then?’ (Three times, possibly four, but he’s a bit vague sometimes). Yeah…..nooope.
Like. I’ve dated. Been disasters all around. And sure someday I’d like to settle down and have kids (provided I’m not utterly terrified of having a baby when it comes to it) but like. I barely have the energy for myself most days, how am I supposed to be find someone to be in a mutual, balanced, loving relationship with?
This has gone off into such a rant, I suppose I should stop now. I don’t even remember what my original thought or point was. I suppose mostly that I’m still feeling very lost, especially without key parts of my soul circle around me.