A new life

Well alright, not a new life but.

I got some memories last year? The year before? Anyway, it was a life when I was a man, those are pretty rare but they all seemed to show up at once. Anyway, it was the late 1500s, I was born probably around 1570, and I was hanging about in London while Elizabeth I was Queen. I was ‘friends’ with Kit Marlowe, he was a bit of a bastard, but to be fair everyone at that time was a bit of a bastard.

Anyway, so I ended up fleeing to France because, hi, I was smuggling Catholics out of the country and I got found out. But APPARENTLY. I came back. About 15 years later. And I got shot outside the houses of parliament in 1605. Yes, that 1605.

It was interesting, I glanced at the calendar and all of a sudden I saw a dark street, heard a shot, and then felt like I was choking on blood and my hand went to my ribs, a place that’s given me trouble for the last ten years, and it felt like there was blood everywhere.


One of the things I like the least about the way I experience past life memories is, well, how I experience past life memories.

There’s not a huge point to this post, just some grumping about once again getting to remember exactly HOW I DIED. In this case bled out in a back street after a pistol ball had gone through my ribs and some vital organ (spleen probably) and yeah. It’s not nice.

This honestly has just been for me to rant about something that isn’t the rest of my life right now.


Too Many Memories


Feeling really very lost which seems to be just the general state of affairs these days. I don’t suppose I really think about it but I’m scared of everything all the time. I’m scared of looking for a full time job because I don’t think I can do it mentally or physically (of course there’s nothing actually wrong with me that a doctor would be able to say to anyone, I was just born in the wrong time and can’t cope), I’m scared to stay here in Oxford because I don’t want to get attached to the city, I’m scared to make friends because I know they’ll just…disappear.

It doesn’t help that I was living in Oxford at the beginning of last century and attending the university. That life didn’t end so well so I think I’m scared that being around the town is going to set off all kinds of things I don’t want to deal with, but it might not. I wanted to come live in Oxford when I was 14, and now almost 15 years later…I’m here want I want to run away.

Last night I felt like writing for the first time in ages, I think because it’s fall. Fall is the best time to be doing that for me. Fall is just the best time for me, so I’m going to go with it for a few days and see how it goes. I published some short stories back in 2017 (gah, that long ago?) and I always intended to write more, just never did. They’re like 10,000 words, not big things, but they’re nice. I did always have more ideas, but, you know.

I’m in the midst of my last two school classes and then I’ll have an AA degree, something, finally. I have to make sure I get all the paperwork filled out and sent to the school before the end of the month, which of course I keep forgetting to do, but yeah. Need to. Then I should have the actual degree in hand sometime in. March? It’s like, 8 weeks to get it, then it goes to my parents house, then it can come here and I can finally see it.

Y’know, I already don’t remember what I wrote in the first posts on this blog, I suppose I have to go back and look. I know there was a lot more, internal searching going on and all that. As usual life got in the way. I am going to Glastonbury again though? End of next week I think, I can’t remember exactly. I’m looking forward to it mostly because SCONES. There’s a teashop with the best scones I have ever tasted and they’re the size of my fist and I could still eat two at a time. 8D I’ll try and remember to get the name while I’m there because I would recommend it to anyone. Also their tuna sandwiches are to die for.


As you can see I got sidetracked and am just coming back to this now. This week got really hard and really low, but then it got a bit better finally. One thing that helps is I got an Apple Pencil finally to use with my ipad so I can draw whenever wherever and the creative outlet helps let off steam.

I’m going to be writing up a couple of posts this weekend or next week about some things that have come up recently, past life wise, but it’s become really hard to talk about again, which is why I haven’t been here. One thing is that so many of the people that I’ve known for thousands of years are some type of famous, singers, actors, etc, it’s like I have no one to talk to, and I feel so lost with only my parents and sister. I’m so used to being surrounded by so many people, it’s hard on a spiritual level.

I went to show on Saturday though, with someone who I haven’t seen yet this life. We didn’t get to meet, but just being there was enough to throw loose a bunch of memories. He’s very important over all, he’s a shaman, he always has been, since before I can remember, which is a long time ago. He’s been a good friend, given wise council, and is one of the few people who I trust completely. I’ve listened to his music for somewhere around 15 years now, and this was the first opportunity to see them live and honestly.

It was amazing. I had so much fun, although my sister did say she noticed at some point when she looked over that I’d just checked out and wasn’t there anymore. I suppose it’s true, I did a bit. A song would end and I would come back to myself and go ‘Oh, yeah, I’m at a concert in…2019? London? Huh…’ so. I went somewhere, though I wasn’t really having conscious thoughts. I was just enjoying the moment, and it was wonderful. The worst part was the letdown after when you have to leave and go back to your life.

Anyway, Glastonbury tomorrow, which always yields interesting things, so there may be some stuff I’ll be sharing. I’m not sure yet, I have to talk to some other involved parties and see how they feel about this particular situation being shared as we know it so far, but either way I’ve been getting Viking flashbacks, so I’ll talk about at sometime soon.

Have I mentioned I both love and hate October?

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What’s happening lately

So a little bit before my last post in July I got a part time job. Turns out this part time job was, well. Not great. Not run too well, being the business had just changed hands and so on. No one really knows what they’re doing and it was stressful.

So, what I’ve come to is that I need to be doing something craft related. I’ve suspected this for a long time, but, you know, there don’t seem to be that many opportunities for it these days? It’s a much better situation here in England I think, and I’ve been looking into a lot of things to do with pottery, wood working, blacksmithing, etc.

I’ve recently resigned from my job so I’ll be done with that at the end of Sept. I’m looking into other things part time in a better environment. I’m looking into finding a place to do pottery classes, because it’s been years since I took pottery lessons. Like. 15 years like. So, we’ll see.

The last 2.5 months seem to have vanished, I’ve been exhausted, stressed, I haven’t even been able to think honestly. I haven’t even remembered that I have several blogs I’m supposed to posting on, you know, regularly? *sigh* Anyway.

I’ve spent the last three days sleeping and watching mindless TV, and I feel a lot better. Have to work tonight, blah, but it’s not so bad. Asked to only work 2 nights a week until the end of the month, so. I want to spend more time readddiiinnnggg.

Ramble ramble

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Rambles July 2nd

Quick update as to why I haven’t been continuing with things.

I’m working now, 4 days (or rather nights) a week and getting used to the new routine is…hard. Despite the fact that I’m usually up all night anyway, it’s completely throwing me off.

I’ve also been pretty much eating sugar non-stop to block whatever psychic shit is going on in my head but once I can sort myself out I have some interesting things that have turned up over the last couple weeks.

For now I’m mostly trying to figure everything out as well as nursing a fairly bad neck injury, so. Anyway. That’s about all.

Rambles 18/6/19

I’ve felt horrible for about a week now, don’t know why. No energy, feel like I weigh twice what I do every time I move. Been trying to get out and move around but it hasn’t helped, if anything it’s made it worse. Spent two days sitting on the couch knitting and watching Supernatural.

Last Saturday was fun at least, went into London and went to the Globe for only the second time ever. Unfortunately I was pretty disappointed in this performance. I don’t know what their idea with the costumes was, and with the extreme overacting, but it didn’t sit well. Also, and this is where it gets a bit tricky, the casting.

I have no problems with casting someone of a different gender in a role. In this case, half the rolls were filled with women. Actually most of the rolls, it was a cast of 11 I think, with…three men? Alright, that’s fine. However, it doesn’t matter who you cast, please cast someone who is good for the roll? There were a couple of actors that just…no. Though, I suppose you must encounter that with nearly every show, but still.

I also have no problem with casting people of colour in a ‘traditional Elizabethan play’. Yes, whatever, that’s fine. Same goes with age. However! There is one small caveat. If you’re casting multiple family members, perhaps consider that your audience isn’t going to know the roles and lines back to front and won’t have a clue what’s going on when you have A: An older gentlemen playing a young lord. A young black man playing his wife. And a middle aged welsh woman playing the young wife’s father. I’m…confused writing that?

The problem is continuity. I feel you have to be careful how you cast if you want to have any, and I feel this is the same with any play. ALSO! PUT BREAKS BETWEEN THE SCENES.

That drove me crazy, one batch of actors would run off and the others would already be speaking as they walked on. Pause, just for 5 seconds, people can’t always keep up!


Anyway, enough ranting. I don’t mean offence to anyone or anything, but I have some issues with the way people handle modern theatre. And I have resisted my long long bitchy rant about the costumes that looked like they came from a second hand store. This is the GLOBE. After the first performance I saw and have been raving about for years, I was disappointed nearly to tears.

Besides that, good news! I got a job! Part time, nights, but still, it’s something, and I should be able to keep it for the rest of the time I’m living here so it should help facilitate my moving back to Scotland when the lease here is up.

I’m about to go dive back into my stories that I’m editing. I really want to get to the point that I can share them because I feel like that’s going to be the important part of letting go of the past life energy associated with them. I managed some work a little over two weeks ago and haven’t been able to touch it since, but I’m forcing myself back to it more often than I usually do because I want it done by August at the latest. I’ve currently got 55/160 chapters done, so a bit over a third, but in one story most of the chapters still have to be written. For my word goal I only need about 9,000 more words, so it will probably exceed my word goal with the amount I have to cover, but it’s just so…hard to do. At least the other three are done/mostly finished.

On that lovely note I’ll leave my potentially ill advised rant and just. Work some.

A Hole in your Soul?

When I was a kid I used to buy the stupidest crap with my allowance. Annoying, cheap, shiny, plastic, pointless things. At some point around the age of maybe fourteen, I stopped, or tapered off at least, saying I didn’t know what the point was anymore because it didn’t fill up the hole inside.

Over the years that feeling has sort of been pushed to the back some and I don’t really think about it, but it’s still there. I just try and fill it with other things now, I guess. Anything really, art, music, video games, tv, books. I’ll distract myself with something for days at a time, like spending two weeks on a video game, and before that a little over a week and a half on the second of the new Tomb Raider trilogy, and prior to that KH3. (Not even talking about that disappointment.)

I was reading a Good Omens fanfiction last night (holy hell good show, never read the book) and there was a line about humans and relationships and them constantly trying to fill that great gaping hole inside themselves and it got me thinking on it again. This comes up over and over, across literature and so on, and. Yeah. I still haven’t found what helps.

(I just got utterly distracted while going looking for a song on itunes, because the store was open and showed me the new Jonas Brother’s album. My 17 year old self wanted to know and all ages of me across time agree. It sucks. Anyway, moving on.)

These guys (not the singer, he’s just a temp because they’re a mostly instrumental band) are involved in a lot of things. I’ve known a couple of them several times over the centuries, and I’ve actually known them since I was about sixteen I think, they generally recognise me at gigs, once we dealt with ‘yes I will turn up in random places from Denver to Helsinki because that’s just how I am, I travel and move weird places’, so yeah. There’s been some recognition even if I’ve never had the chance to ask about views on past lives. I’m still hoping I’ll get the chance someday.

The point is though, this album. Which, I think…is their most recent, they have a new one recorded and will be out sometime this year? Anyway, it set off a lot of things. Music usually does, interestingly, it probably has the biggest capacity to set off memories if the people who I knew before are musicians now.

For example a song on their album from ’08 or ’09 set off a whole load of memories that led to all the memories that allowed me to write my short story Immortal Bird. (Yes that is an amazon link, shameless plug, hush.)

As a note I have trouble talking about these things because I feel weird naming people who I have soul associations with, especially if it’s someone with any modicum of ‘fame’ but. Well. It’s going to come up eventually because I’m one of the few from a soul group of 6-8 who is on their own and all these other people are somewhat famous. Just how it worked out this time, but sometimes is sucks, because I miss being able to just sit down with my friends and have a conversation. Probably the biggest issue to knowing you’ve had past lives with a celebrity type person. They’re now utterly unapproachable and you miss your best friend like hell.

At least I have the music though. I can feel at least a little connected to people. And I do have a lot of important people in my life. Well. Three of them. I’ve had other people from my past lives in and out but a lot of them have been brief and drifted and I rarely talk to most of them now. I know very few people as it turns out, but hey. I’m so jaded and disappointed in humanity I really don’t care all that much.

*sigh* I suppose that’s part of what this is about, trying to get past that because I just. Hate everything. These last few days I’ve just been sitting staring at the wall going ‘I want to go home.’ Now, generally throughout my life this has meant a few things, but most consistently this has meant ‘I want to go back to the desert’. Think Evey from The Mummy, she looks and behaves utterly English, but Egypt is so heavily ingrained in her from her mother that she’s spent most of her life there. That’s generally how I feel about Egypt, mostly because of my past lives, but it just breaks my heart that I’ll probably never go.

I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most about history. Knowing I can never go back, can never live in a simpler time, when there were less people and arguably people were more genuine. I know the argument is ‘you’ll miss this, you’ll miss that’ like plumbing (Which hey, the Romans had working just fine) or modern medicine (I’m this rare person who hasn’t had much need for modern medicine, only a few times in my life) or technology. Well. Technology…I actually. Hate. Loath. Absolutely. Fine, it’s convenient and it lets you know everything faster, and I love that I can learn so easily, but also. It’s a soul sucking black hole and I hate it.

Now I’m trying to stay upbeat here, that’s the whole point of going through all this, clearing out energy, finding peace with my life, etc, etc. Yeah, not happening so much. Mostly it’s just making me feel worse and worse because I can see, with better eyes than most, just how far humanity as a whole has fallen into this pit of disgusting bullshit that most days it’s hard to get out of bed, let alone leave the house. I don’t leave the house particularly, I hate leaving the house. Partially it’s because the walk to town is lined with garbage bins and it smells the whole way, but also just. No.

I would love to find some group or activity that let me meet people that didn’t seem to be stuck in their own head and just plain stupid, but when I do manage it they never seem interested in being friends with me anyway, so honestly what’s the point? I’ve never had a friend that keeps in communication, I’ve always had to be the one to keep it up. I can across a journal about someone I met in high school and at one point I’m griping because we’d set times for phone calls over the summer while we were both at various activity camps, and I never got a call and there was no answer to my texts for like a week. And this was my best friend. (Not being mean, since you might actually read this, but hey, you were always bad at phones 😉 )

So yes, me and the general state of humanity and my hatred thereof… When I was living in Arizona with my uncle one day he turns around and says ‘Man you need to find a boyfriend and chill.’ At my unimpressed expression he amends to ‘Or you know, a girlfriend’ (This is a non issue, his son is gay and in a happy relationship) to which my response was ‘And how many times have you been divorced then?’ (Three times, possibly four, but he’s a bit vague sometimes). Yeah…..nooope.

Like. I’ve dated. Been disasters all around. And sure someday I’d like to settle down and have kids (provided I’m not utterly terrified of having a baby when it comes to it) but like. I barely have the energy for myself most days, how am I supposed to be find someone to be in a mutual, balanced, loving relationship with?

This has gone off into such a rant, I suppose I should stop now. I don’t even remember what my original thought or point was. I suppose mostly that I’m still feeling very lost, especially without key parts of my soul circle around me.

History viewed in Video Games (1)

So I’ve sunk most of the last two weeks into playing Assassin’s Creed Odyssey. Now, I’ve played a lot of AC, so it’s easier to say what I haven’t played: Original (It glitched so badly I never played it through), Revelations, Rogue, Unity, Syndicate. Revelations because I couldn’t come to grips with the camera system, Rogue, because I didn’t want to, and Unity and Syndicate because I didn’t have the equipment. I only got a PS4 this March, but I was able to play Origins on my uncle’s.

But back to Odyssey, because Origins is an entirely different kettle of fish.

It’s brought up some interesting issues, being centred around Sparta and the Peloponnesian wars. I admit, when I first heard the announcement I was disappointed because Sparta has never been of much interest, though I suspect I know why. Personally I want a game centred around Alexander the Great, thank you very much.

Anyway, the point here is that I’ve been Spartan. At least twice, that I remember. And I have never, to my knowledge, in the language of the old borders at least, actually been Greek. I’ve been Macedonian three times, Spartan twice, but never ‘Greek’. Who knows, I may just not remember it yet, but so far that’s my tally.

So how, in a game where you can utterly align yourself with Sparta, where you are Spartan, did I end up siding so throughly with the Athenians? Obviously the plot lends itself to it in some ways.  The character is cast out of Sparta as a child because of some stupid prophecy that is a hoax put together by this cult that rules the Greek world, so you can be a bit bitter there, but the animosity honestly surprised me.

I remember being a Spartan in the 600’s ish, I think during the second Messenian War. I remember being married to a Spartan general (Yes him again, that same guy, he’s pretty much always around) and we had three children, at least a girl and a boy, possibly another girl. Anyway, we were with the army camp I think; all I really remember is being in a camp and the enemy attacking. While everyone else was mid-battle, I took a spear and was protecting my children. I could fight, I’d had some training even as a woman, and I was doing pretty good even wearing a dress, and then I saw him coming, having heard about the attack and turned troops away from the battle to protect the camp. Someone was coming at his back and I went for them instead, saving him. Small problem, I didn’t see the guy behind me and I ended up dying instead, making him swear to protect our children.

Ok, mildly traumatic I suppose; it’s never been a memory that really bothers me or has been much of a problem. The second memory was incredibly similar; we were married, he died at the battle of Thermopylae, fairly basic.

(On a fun side note that I just remembered, I woke up a few days ago from a really strange dream, brought on by too much Assassin’s Creed, and I could speak Greek for about 15 seconds, long enough to write something down which, once I dug up a translation, actually made sense. Fascinating.)

So….why am I so gleeful about slaughtering Spartans throughout the game? It feels much more personal than just the character’s story-line. I suppose I don’t really have an answer and this has just been a long post with my odd musings. Mostly, I needed to write something, because I felt like I’ve been neglecting my blog and  I’ve ended up too deep in depression to be concentrating on what I’m trying to do to fix everything.

On a fun note, I’m going to the Globe in the next few days to see Henry IV part I! Woo! I love the Globe, I’m looking forward to it so much!

(I will be back, I have a lot of things to say about Assassin’s Creed, Sooooo Mannyyyy Thingssss.)