Feeling really very lost which seems to be just the general state of affairs these days. I don’t suppose I really think about it but I’m scared of everything all the time. I’m scared of looking for a full time job because I don’t think I can do it mentally or physically (of course there’s nothing actually wrong with me that a doctor would be able to say to anyone, I was just born in the wrong time and can’t cope), I’m scared to stay here in Oxford because I don’t want to get attached to the city, I’m scared to make friends because I know they’ll just…disappear.
It doesn’t help that I was living in Oxford at the beginning of last century and attending the university. That life didn’t end so well so I think I’m scared that being around the town is going to set off all kinds of things I don’t want to deal with, but it might not. I wanted to come live in Oxford when I was 14, and now almost 15 years later…I’m here want I want to run away.
Last night I felt like writing for the first time in ages, I think because it’s fall. Fall is the best time to be doing that for me. Fall is just the best time for me, so I’m going to go with it for a few days and see how it goes. I published some short stories back in 2017 (gah, that long ago?) and I always intended to write more, just never did. They’re like 10,000 words, not big things, but they’re nice. I did always have more ideas, but, you know.
I’m in the midst of my last two school classes and then I’ll have an AA degree, something, finally. I have to make sure I get all the paperwork filled out and sent to the school before the end of the month, which of course I keep forgetting to do, but yeah. Need to. Then I should have the actual degree in hand sometime in. March? It’s like, 8 weeks to get it, then it goes to my parents house, then it can come here and I can finally see it.
Y’know, I already don’t remember what I wrote in the first posts on this blog, I suppose I have to go back and look. I know there was a lot more, internal searching going on and all that. As usual life got in the way. I am going to Glastonbury again though? End of next week I think, I can’t remember exactly. I’m looking forward to it mostly because SCONES. There’s a teashop with the best scones I have ever tasted and they’re the size of my fist and I could still eat two at a time. 8D I’ll try and remember to get the name while I’m there because I would recommend it to anyone. Also their tuna sandwiches are to die for.
As you can see I got sidetracked and am just coming back to this now. This week got really hard and really low, but then it got a bit better finally. One thing that helps is I got an Apple Pencil finally to use with my ipad so I can draw whenever wherever and the creative outlet helps let off steam.
I’m going to be writing up a couple of posts this weekend or next week about some things that have come up recently, past life wise, but it’s become really hard to talk about again, which is why I haven’t been here. One thing is that so many of the people that I’ve known for thousands of years are some type of famous, singers, actors, etc, it’s like I have no one to talk to, and I feel so lost with only my parents and sister. I’m so used to being surrounded by so many people, it’s hard on a spiritual level.
I went to show on Saturday though, with someone who I haven’t seen yet this life. We didn’t get to meet, but just being there was enough to throw loose a bunch of memories. He’s very important over all, he’s a shaman, he always has been, since before I can remember, which is a long time ago. He’s been a good friend, given wise council, and is one of the few people who I trust completely. I’ve listened to his music for somewhere around 15 years now, and this was the first opportunity to see them live and honestly.
It was amazing. I had so much fun, although my sister did say she noticed at some point when she looked over that I’d just checked out and wasn’t there anymore. I suppose it’s true, I did a bit. A song would end and I would come back to myself and go ‘Oh, yeah, I’m at a concert in…2019? London? Huh…’ so. I went somewhere, though I wasn’t really having conscious thoughts. I was just enjoying the moment, and it was wonderful. The worst part was the letdown after when you have to leave and go back to your life.
Anyway, Glastonbury tomorrow, which always yields interesting things, so there may be some stuff I’ll be sharing. I’m not sure yet, I have to talk to some other involved parties and see how they feel about this particular situation being shared as we know it so far, but either way I’ve been getting Viking flashbacks, so I’ll talk about at sometime soon.
Have I mentioned I both love and hate October?
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